no-one who is not your own personal partner owes you any respect beyond common, everyday courtesy, and no-one is required to fetch you a drink or listen to your opinion in conversation.

The following document contains some valuable information about BDSM play party etiquette. It was written for members of various BDSM clubs, and is intended to cover both events held in public spaces and events held in private homes.

Although not every suggestion here is relevant to every situation (for example, it is not generally necessary to bring food to public fetish nights held in public spaces or to hang around to clean up after these end), the basic ideas of “not touching anyone or their toys without permission”, “not interfering with scenes in progress”, etc .are pretty much universal.

Etiquette customs differ slightly in different circles

but some pretty uniform rules of thumb for etiquette include:

Do not touch people, even in what you think of as a friendly way (like touching someone’s arm in conversation) without asking permission.

In some circles, hugging even strangers hello and goodbye seems to be the norm - watch and see if someone goes to hug you or if you are invited to do so. But in most BDSM circles I know of, hugging someone in even a casual way without the prior verbal assurance it is welcome is considered overstepping the bounds. And just because a man is standing naked next to you getting a soda and smiling does not make it okay to stroke the person’s ass - in fact, it is not okay to stroke even the person’s arm! The working assumption is that touch of any kind is not okay without asking. On the other hand, asking to hug or shake hands or look at the piercing someone is flaunting is certainly acceptable and not considered an offence in any way, just so long as the asker does not act offended if the answer is not what he wanted to hear.

Leave space for the top to move, swing a flogger, etc. during a scene. If the room is too crowded, stand against the far wall or leave the room. If the top asks you to move, then move! In most play circles, if you get close enough to disturb the scene, the top would be within his rights to swing the whip at you.

A scene that might look to you like lots of folks are joining in to pleasure or otherwise play with the bottom might in fact be pre-arranged between the top and other acceptable players to look casual. Or it might be that the top is subtly signalling audience members he knows to be acceptable. Join in only if the top clearly beckons you in. If in doubt, check with the top.

Hounding, harassing, or puppy-dogging after the object of your sexual interest will guarantee that you will not be invited to any more parties; you might even be thrown out of the one you are at.

Most people like to be complimented on their scenes. If you like a particular top or bottom, telling them what you liked about their scene is usually well-received. But wait till they are walking about and socializing again! Asking interesting how-to questions is also a good way to make friends.

If you are bothered by something you see because it seems extreme, risky, or even impossible to be consensual to you, find a host or DM to check on the scene, explain it to you, or reassure you. If a corrective action like a safety improvement needs to be taken, the host or DM will take care of conveying that to the top in an appropriate manner. When you are more experienced you will be able to recognize if something is possibly non-consensual or unduly dangerous. At your first few play parties, plan to absorb and watch and learn. If something is too extreme for you to enjoy watching, then simply leave the room quietly.

Even if someone lets you hold a flogger, it is also courteous to ask again before swinging it through the air at an imaginary target or your forearm. Do not run a knife or Wartenburg pinwheel along your skin to test its sharpness - the owner might have gone to pains to sterilize the blade in expectation of an upcoming scene, and sharp edges break skin without always leaving marks or drawing blood.

Pick up your toys so someone else can use the play area without stumbling on your belongings. Wipe down the play furniture so it is not sweaty for the next person, and if any bodily fluids were spilled accidentally, clean them up thoroughly---hosts often provide appropriate cleaning materials if you don’t have them on hand.

Help clean up before you leave! Don’t offer and then wait for instructions - just do it. Those ten used plastic cups you gather up and toss out, or the empty dip dish you wash and leave in the drainer to dry at 3 a.m. , or the ice bucket you refill mid-party just because you noticed it was empty will save the host a lot of work and mean more parties in the future.

If play furniture and play space are scarce, ask the host for an estimate of a reasonable amount of time to use it.

At the party, relax, be yourself, be open and friendly; ask questions about BDSM technique if you need to make conversation (but try not to computer geek too much if you are into computers!); listen to what others have to say. Bring your sense of humour.

Bring munchies if the hosts suggested it. Quality breads, homemade desserts, and fresh fruit are desirable food items in many play circles, more welcome and more likely to be devoured and complimented than a bag of chips.

In many play circles, alcohol and illicit drugs are forbidden at play parties; do not bring these without checking with the host.

Especially do not post to a Bulletin Board Server, Usenet group, or any other public forum in a way that identifies someone else without permission. Even mentioning someone in email without that person’s permission can be considered a violation of etiquette.

How will you feel if the friend you think couldn’t know the person you are talking about turns around and playfully describes the person to his boss or co-worker or cousin, who ends up recognizing the person in shock because of the person’s name or nickname or some small detail about the cool haircut or clothes that got passed on? It’s a small world, and outing someone else because you thought it was way cool to describe some hot scene you got to see is Not okay. It is usually okay to describe people’s scenes in a manner that leaves the participants---and the hosts---unidentifiable, but even then it is customary to ask first. It is also customary to email copies of anything you post in a public forum to all people referenced or described therein, sometimes in advance if there is anything you are unsure of. Ask the party host if you are in doubt about whether the party is mentionable or not. The rule of thumb is that parties are not mentionable publicly unless stated otherwise.

Clothes and gender usually don’t tell you anything about a person’s interests, predilections, or experience levels. Unless the party rules specify that fetish-wear is required, people generally dress however they like to dress. Some people use clothes and flags to signal their interests, but in practice the majority of experienced players do not unless clothing styles are separate pleasures for them. Many deeply devoted and owned submissives do not wear collars and do not hover at the feet of their owners at parties. Other folks wear collars even when they are not owned and sometimes not even looking to be owned, just because they enjoy doing so. And just because someone is decked out in a cow’s worth of distressed black leather and carrying a flogger does not make the person an experienced, respected top. That innocent-looking barefoot woman in a white silk boxers and the unprepossessing man dressed casually in a preppy tee shirt and jeans chatting warmly with each other in the social room might not be the submissive boy and newbie top-wannabe you think they are---they might be, but they also might be the hottest tops at the party just catching up on each other’s lives. In short, clothing---black leather, boots, latex, PVC, collars, etc. - are separate fetishes, not signals that someone is into BDSM. Wow, you never knew that, right?! grin …

There is a fine line between open-minded curiosity - the desire to learn and understand something that is new for you from those who indicate (in the social room!) that they are willing to take the time to share and converse with you about their play styles and sexual interests - versus prurient judgmentalism, gawking, or tiresomely asking someone who is sick of being asked what he or she can possibly enjoy by doing whatever astonishing thing you saw the person do. Be sensitive about when and who you ask, and be sensitive while you watch. People at play parties are not there to entertain or educate you, even though many folks who choose to attend play parties do also enjoy the exhibitionist and educational aspects of what they are doing. Be sensitive to what each individual is offering to strangers, and don’t rudely assume they are offering you a private show, lesson, educational experience, or opportunity to giggle like a schoolchild at some porn you have amazingly gotten lucky enough to see outside of a magazine.

Watching and learning are fine - and are often exactly the point! - but there is a social norm in each group about what is appropriate astonishment to show to those around you. If you have never seen two males play sexually and lovingly together before, or if you find watching the two women playing together across the room really hot for you as a voyeur, or if you have never talked to a cross-dresser close enough to actually hold a social conversation while you are standing around getting soda in the social space, get a grip on yourself before you start behaving like a ten-year-old telling a joke with a naughty word in it! If you never expected and are shocked by the amount of blood flow from a ritual cutting, or by what appears to you to be the hate-filled screaming and cursing of a bottom raging at her top at the height of a difficult scene, or if you never envisioned seeing a piercing of a needle right through someone’s nipple, or if whatever else you didn’t expect and are suddenly encountering seems extreme to you, then the astonishment is probably yours. Get a grip.

You might even pick up some fine points of etiquette, like how to behave toward a slave in the presence of the master. Like: never treat a slave as if he is a slave to you!